The Blue Dot

blah

2007-01-06T18:59:00.000-08:00

hey sorry, got a lot going on, i havent had time to blog too often.

Well....hmmm. Not too many interesting things going on right now.

Andy Mac is back! woot woot!

And...I broke up with Joseph, you guys. I bet everyone is happy....I suggested a break, then he totally spazzed and refused to call me. So I ended it. I mean, seriously, thats stupid.

Im having a kind of tough time dealing with it, but I try to be as happy as possible. I mean, whats the point of being all heartbroken over someone who ended up just like every other guy Ive ever dated? After all, I do have a couple of other guys in my mind...

Christmas was kind of boring, just went to my moms Christmas Eve (SCARY) and then hung out at my place the next day. I went up to see Joe on Boxing Day until the 30th, then we broke up 3 days later. After he got me an mp3 player WOOT!

My New Years was pretty fun, I hung out with 2 of my bestest friends, Dom and Aysha. It was so fun! We just sat around being fatties and talking about everything from Jesus to boys to...any topic you can think of LOL! It was so fun, not quite as good as last year, but oh well:)

Ummm...I havent been writing much lately, but I do want to get a journal to write in, its much easier, then I can just write whenever the mood strikes. Lately, Ive been getting really good ideas for writing, but I dont have any paper to write on in front of me! It sucks so much to have a great idea then have to let it fade away *tear*.

Ive been pretty sad the last couple of days, but no one really knows ive been acting extremely happy, but im not. Ive had some help getting through it, thanks you guys! Beracah especially, your emails are so encouraging! Yours too Nicole! Thanks for all of your support!

My relationship with Jesus was going down for a bit, I lost some faith about a week before Christmas. I was thinking some really stupid things, and was going to do some really stupid things...but I didnt. Proud of me?

My faith is pretty much all back now, but theres still a little trace of doubt in my mind about some things, and I would really appreciate it if you could pray for me a little. Thanks if you can!

My New Years resolutions are:

1. No more skipping
2. No smoking ( good job! a year!)
3. Keep faith in God
4. Stop being so mean to some people.
5. Dont do anything too stupid.

SO yea... Thats my blog. Sorry, Ive lost some of my writing talent, I havent written for a while. I'll get it back though, dont worry!

Comments would be appreciated!

Victoria weekend

2006-11-15T11:54:00.000-08:00

So yeah i've been told to blog sorry it took so long guys!
Well, lets see...

Yesterday Crystal and I got back from Victoria after going up for her boyfriends birthday. We stayed an extra day. It was so frikkin fun!!!!!!!!!! We stayed at the wonderfully beautiful Nicole Brindle's place and hung out with Nicole, Jeff, Ashley, Clayton, Jim, Joey, and Dennis all weekend! We only saw Kyle once and that made me sad...but we'll see him soon!

Anyways, since I am totally bored right now i'm going to write something nice about everyone from Victoria!

Jeff- Wow. You are totally awesome. Im so happy that you and Crystal are finally together, your the only boyfriend I've approved of. I only trust you to treat her as she deserves, like a princess. I LOVE YOU!

Ashley- You could possibly be the coolest person i've ever met. Im dead serious. Your so frikkin gorgeous, your funny, and you really care about your friends. I LOVE YOU!

Jim- You are a very chill guy. You dont talk much, but when you do its something Id want to remember (that could just be because I dont hear you talk often). Your really funny and you play guitar, so you must be "The cool one" in the group. I LOVE YOU!

Kyle- You are a very interesting guy. I really want to get to know you better, because I dont talk to you as much as everyone else. We HAVE to change that! I LOVE YOU!

Joey- Wow. I mean seriously....WOW. You are so random and hilarious! Like when you were randomly singing in Nicole's kitchen while Jim was playing the guitar and he stopped and you kept singing? LOL! Well yea I really would like to get to know you better. Unfortunately, i cant say I love you yet, but you are well on your way!

Dennis- And I thought Jim was quiet! Your so quiet, seriously you need to talk more! Like...all I heard you say was Hi and See ya the first night! After that you were talking more, and I'd love to get to know you. Like Joey, your well on your way for me to say I love you :D

Nicole Brindle- Come on. Who DOESNT love Nicole?!?! I mean your so....Pretty....and fun and funny... and nice and sweet...and you give good advice. You love talking to people and you are always there for me if I ever have problems. I love you so so so so so MUCH!

Anyways... The weekend was awesome! Aysha, Davan, Domi, and Hannah came up with me and Crystal. It was so awesome for us all to be up there! We had so much fun! Davan finally met Jeff and he definitely approves. Good job, Crystal!

My dad picked me and Crystal up from the ferry and took her to the station. She also slept over last night. THAT was fun LOL! We are now at Dominikas, and she is piercing Crystals nose! ISNT THAT AWESOME?!?! So lots of yelling and complaining going on right about now. Anyways...

OH! CRYSTALS NOSE IS OFFICIALLY PIERCED! That is so awesome!

So yeah... I have a boyfriend now you guys! You know the infamous Joe-fish that no one really liked because they all thought Guenther was better? Im going out with him. And suddenly everyone changed their minds about him? That does not make sense...but I mean, something just told me that I was supposed to go for Joseph and not Guenther. I mean, Gun is nice and all, but I didnt want someone who was so confused about his emotions he was telling everyone a different story about me. So...yeah. There, you all know now.

So...theres my blog about the weekend and all. Sorry, Im kind of losing my talent for writing arent I?
Im going to post a couple of poems Ive written next blog, because I dont have them here. So, I love you all! Bye!

15 days...

2006-10-05T14:43:00.000-07:00

ONLY 15 DAYS UNTIL WE GO TO TEEN COUNSELS!

wow im so frikkin excited!

We get to see everyone from camp again! Jeff, Ashley....(L)Guenther(L)

So, how are you all doing today? Ive had a pretty bad day, but im not sad because I have youth counsels to look forward to!

Ive been having pretty bad dreams lately, and they are starting to scare me.

I dreamt a very close friend moved back to Montreal.

I dreamt another one overdosed on Exstacy.

I dreamt that all of my leaders totally forgot who I was and didnt want to talk to me.

I dreamt that one of my friends killed themselves.

And I also dreamt that I was invisible, that no one could see me, that no one even remembered me....

Im kind of freaked out, because Ive had all those dreams within the last 2 weeks, and I usually never remember my dreams. Any interperatations?

On another note, most of my friends have been pretty angry or depressed lately. But no one seems to want me around any more. If you really dont, just tell me, I dont want to play any games with anyone anymore. Im praying for all of you to get through your hard times.

And {I had to put this in} I REALLY MISS ANDY AND BERACAH! I wish you two would email me once in a while, instead of me only talking to you when Im lucky enough to catch you on MSN. We all miss you (and Nicole, of course) and Id liek to hear from you more. I LOVE YOU!

Counting down the days....15 days.....i wish time would move faster

2006-09-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

Everything is getting better....not perfect, but better!
I just want you all to know that, although Im stupid sometimes, although Im emotional, although I sometimes say things I dont mean...I really do love you, and i just need you to be there for me. Even if youd rather be anywhere else. Because Im trying really hard right now to not get mixed up in the things I did before. Im trying to stay clean, keep on top of my life, and not let certain people ruin everything for me. Just to warn you all... please, deal with me. Ive done it for all of you at some point, and ill do it again

2006-09-20T21:13:00.000-07:00

ONLY ONE MORE MONTH UNTIL TEEN COUNSELS!

so, how are we all doing today?

i hope i find you all in good health, with the Lords goodness shining down on you all!

Question: What do you do when your friends with someone, and you got sick so did not go somewhere that you promised them you would go, and they get really mad at you and dont want to be friends?

Please pray for my friendship with a very close friend....and all my friendships, i suppose, right now. All of them are kind of rocky right now, besides my friendship with Jesus.

And im not doing too great on my No Skipping/Honour Role goals either.

im really close to just giving up, giving in to everything...I almost started smoking again. I just want to be invisible right now, disappear from the world, colourless, untouchable...seperated. I want to let go of my life.

She wants to let go, she wants to slip away
She longs to disappear, more and more every day
Shes searching for something, of what, shes not sure
It seems like the whole entire universe is a blur

Colours dont seem existent, everything melts into one
The invisible rainclouds have entirely blocked out the sun
All she wants is someone, who will always always be there
Shes losing faith in life; she just cant take anymore stares

She reaches out to certain people, but they dont return her trust
She longs inside for someone to care;she searches for them with lust
love is something she cant find... she just about gives up the fight
If you could see the scars on her soul, it would be a horrible sight

She cant take this pain any longer, she just cant stand herself
Shes dead beyond the reaches of any kind of help
She decides to let go, she decides theres nothing to gain
She lets go very slowly...and lets her soul be slain

*tear&

2006-09-12T14:10:00.000-07:00

You guys....terrible news.

I got kicked out yesterday.
Please, please, please, please, PLEASE pray for me. Im not going to move back in with my mom ever again. But I still need prayers...

So, I was walking down the street. I was 15 minutes late getting home. I met my mom on the street. She started yelling at me in the middle of the street.
"SO YOU CANT EVEN FOLLOW MY RULES IN MY HOUSE?! YOUR 15 MINUTES LATE! YOUR F---ING GROUNDED! YOUR NOT ALLOWED GOING TO YOUTH GROUP ANYMORE! ALL YOU PROBABLY F---ING DO THERE IS A BUNCH OF DRUGS AND F--- AROUND WITH GUYS!"
"Dont you say that about my youth group! YOUVE NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE BEFORE! Im going no matter what you say."
"IF YOU DONT FOLLOW MY RULES GET THE F--- OUT OF MY HOUSE! IF YOU GO TO YOUTH GROUP IM GOING TO F---ING CALL THE F---ING COPS ON AARON!"
"Thats what you want isnt? If you want me out of the house, just say so!"
"FINE! GET OUT! TONIGHT!"

So, I went home and packed up my clothes. My sister told me I was being stupid, and said that everything, in short, was my fault. I stayed silent and kept packing my clothes. I phoned my dad to see if I could move with him for a while. He said yes.

Right now, Im on a computer in the library. I stayed at Britannys last night, and will probably go to Dominikas tonight. I dont really want to live long term with my dad...but I guess I have no choice. She told my little sister Amber that I was never allowed going back to the house...She said she was signing me over to my dad. I think Im going into foster care because I cant handle living with my dad and his girlfriend....

A wierd thing is I knew it was going to happen. As soon as I was about to leave, I just knew that I was going to move. I asked Britanny before if I could stay at her place, because I just KNEW that I was going to be kicked out.

Please, please pray for me. I really need them! DESPERATELY! Any advice would totally rock too! Im really freaked out becuase I dont really know where Im going to be staying for the next little while. There really isnt enough room at my dads. But Im kind of happy that Im out of my moms. Im also happy that I have some great friends who I can stay with until I go to a counsellor or something...

poem again

2006-09-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

She sits and hides behind all the lies
She doesnt know why she bothers to try
Nobody sees how she feels inside
Nobody knows that she cries at night

All people see is a normal girl
With a normal life in a normal world
They dont know whats going on inside
They cant see the pain she hides

She cant think, cant feel, cant see where shes going
She doesnt care about herself, shes dying very slowly...
Shes got a lot of friends, but they cant be true
Are friends really friends when they lie to you?

Her sister seems to hate her, her mom does too
Love is something in this family that never really grew
Her parents are apart, they were since she was 2
Her friends mostly believe that the drugs they do are cool

She decides to try, she doesnt think anyone cares
She cant take the dirty looks, all those dirty stares
She hides behind the drugs now, she lets her feelings go
She doesnt need to ever again put on a fake show

She puts a wall up, to block out all the pain
She cant take it anymore...theres nothing left to gain
Her soul, it seems, has been totally slain
The sun has gone away, and forever theres been rain

She thinks of suicide, she plots away her life
All of her emotions are charged into the knife
She just wants to know love, from friends and this one guy
She aims her tarnished love at him, but the love, he just denies

She thinks no greater pain can come and she wants her life to end
She thinks these scars upon her soul have no way to mend
But then...

Her friend takes her to a special place, she calls it 614
In this place, she finds out that life could be much more
She finally discovered someone special in her life
He helped her get through all the terror and the strife

He let her see just how much love was, for her, waiting
Her friends always loved her, it was her who found them hating
He let her see all the love in the world
Jesus showed His love to this beautiful young girl

That was and is my life. Tell me what you think about my poem!

best friends

2006-09-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

School started today! Finally! Ive been sooo bored, since everyone left I've just stayed home til now...this year I have decided to

A) Not skip!
B) Try to get my homework done
C) Not do drugs (quit in December)
D) get on the honour roll

so, please pray for my to complete my goals. I know I can!

Im in a bad situation, and have been for a while. My mom is making me stay at home every day and I nearly want to go to foster care...I dont know if im going to or not. Im going to wait and see if she crosses that little invisible line of my patience

As always, I finally admitted that someone was my best friend. And now she has almost dissapeared. Thats a new record...only 2 weeks.

I wish I could change it. I wish I could help her out, but she thinks im just interfering. She has been doing some things that she promised to stop. But she hasnt. Shes still smoking up and she'll probably still skip. She also said she wants to do Exstasy! She promised everyone she wouldnt but she is. I confronted her about it and she said all I ever do is cause shit for everyone and I never help anyone out... well if you all think that, why should I bother with any of you?

Im sorry. Im sorry for trying to help you all. Im sorry for being here, and getting you to talk to me. Im sorry for being myself. Im sorry for caring about you all. Im sorry for being here at all. Im sorry...im sorry...im sorry...im sorry for wasting your time on someone like me.

So, I try to be there for people and I end up being sorry for it?
I dont want any friends anymore if thats how it is. I just want me, myself, and I.

Any advice? I could really use some. And prayers. Prayers would be great.

Victoria People/Grad

2006-08-27T14:46:00.000-07:00

Crystal and I got invited to the War College grad on Thursday and Friday! Im going to write about everything that happened...

We were looking forward to the grad all week! On thursday, the day seemed soooooo lonnnnnng... We knew that Nicole and Beracah were bringing up some teens from their teen cell, but Crystgal thought that someone she really really likes, named Jeff, was staying in Victoria. But we all knew he was coming up to surprise her! It was totally awesome! We were all so excited when they came up. We went inside and hung out and watched the grad and had a lot of fun!

On Friday, we all hung out again. We went to the lunch grad at 1, and we hung out with all of our leaders and everyone all day. We went to a party and played a few games of Mafia, which Jeff and Crystal were Mafia for both...that part was boring! We were constantly being checked up on because the leaders thought we were making out or something... then we went and sat on Aaron Whites roof and hung out and played Truth or Dare. Jeff and Crystal kissed, and Aaron walked in right as they were doing it. She got embarassed I think...
Then we went to Aarons apartment and watched some very strange videos that we all laughed at and imitated for the whole next day. We had some pizza, then Aaron drove us Crystal, Aysha, and I over to Crystals house where we were sleeping.
We were getting up at 6:30 AM to go back and see our Victoria friends Jeff, Ashley, Jim, and Kyle before they left the next day, so we said we were going to sleep as soon as we got in (around 11:30). However, we ended up staying up until 3:30! so we had about 2 or 2 and a half hours of sleep that night. IT WAS AWESOME!
We got up and went to see them. We got there at exactly 8:30, but Ashley was still asleep! We waited outside, and a couple of minutes later, Andy and the guys walked up. We waited until Andy left, and then went to the store, then for a walk at Crab Park. It was really fun and random.
I ahd to leave at around 10, but then I came back. We played a game of cops and robbers at Tinseltown, just like old times. We got pizza, and went to eat it. Then we sat in a circle and did the old Teen Cell trick of saying something nice and encouraging about every person in the group. I had a lot to say for everyone!
Then, as we were walking back to the apartments, Nicole took Jim and Kyle to the ferry. I was really sad they were leaving, because they are awesome guys! I gave them a final hug goodbye, and they left.
We sat at the apartments (taht is to say Crystal, Aysha, Ashley, Damien, and I) with Krystal Myers while Beracah went to go get Jeffs stuff to leave. We got really really sad in the last hour. They didnt want to leave, but they had to. We went outside and gave hugs (about 20 times each) and they drove off with Nicole. Crystal, Damien, Aysha and I went to Crab Park after giving Jacynta a biiiiig hug, because she has awesome hugs. We sat in silence for a while, after Damien gave up trying to make us happy. Oh I forgot to mention...JEFF KISSED CRYSTAL GOODBYE! SCORE!

I really miss you all. I mean, Jeff gives awesome hugs, and he totally loves Crystal. Ashley is just a portrait of awesomeness, and is very trusting. Jim is a quiet guy, but hes really nice, and had nice things to say about everyone. Kyle is totally awesome with his random dancing and he seems liek someone we would be really good friends with if he lived here...they all did. So, I miss you guys, and Im glad God gave us a chance to meet and hang out! Im praying for all of you, to keep you safe. I love you guys!

questions

2006-08-18T14:56:00.000-07:00

some questions...please copy&paste and fill them out on my comments!

1. What is the most precious thing on Earth?

2. What is your definition of love?

3. Who are 5 people you cant live without? (besides God)

4. If you had the power to bring anyone back from the dead/cure from a disease, who would it be?

5. If the world was about to end and you had the power to keep 3 people alive, who would they be?

My answers

1. What is the most precious thing on Earth?

To me, friendship/family are the most precious thing you could ask for

2. What is your definition of love?

A deep feeling that comes with a friend, a family member, or a speical person. A feeling of deep happiness when you are with them, and compassion towards the person or thing.

3. Who are 7 people you cant live without? (besides God)

Wow. That is hard.

my mom
Crystal Lozie
Britanny Lewis
Chris Cairney
Leah Manson
and i cannot choose between all of my teen leaders...
so ill say Beracah W-W/Nicole Brindle/Andy Mac/Linsey New
Jacynta Pittaway/Krystal Myers/Aaron White/Becs Barnes

4. If you had the power to bring anyone back from the dead/cure from a disease, who would it be?

My cousin Kyle Tait...R.I.P

5. If the world was about to end and you had the power to keep 3 people alive, who would they be?

oh wow....

Crystal Lozie
Gabe Cooper
Aysha Reaghz

random poem i wrote today

2006-08-14T22:04:00.001-07:00

Today I felt like writing a poem, so I decided to write about suicide. I tried to put myself in the mind of a suicidal person, with a follow-up on after death. What do you think?

PS. Give me some ideas on what to write poems about, I need some new ones!

I think of all the words you said,
All the times this went through my head
To make the pain stop, to stop slowly moving time
Reaching for the pills to cut me out of this bind
I think of you, and your stupid friends
Teasing me, cutting me, at no end
You think it doesnt hurt to have people teasing every day?
You think it doesnt take a bit out of you in some way?
I imagine your face when you hear the news im gone
I want to see your guilt when you realize your wrongs
I tried to ignore your words, not let them get into my head
But they did, and my soul was torn with every word you said
I dump the pills into my hand, put my hand to my lips
But before I open them, I glance down at my wrists
I dont remember cutting them, I dont remember a knife
My memory has been killed by strife
I open my mouth and shove the pills in
Everything gets hazy and starts to spin
Someone runs in but I can barely see who it is
A blurry image of a friend, screaming "CALL 911!"
He leans over and whispers "Do you know who this is?
If you leave me, then my life will be done!"
Lights are flashing, I can barely see
All I want is for them to let me be
Darkness swallows...I thought my eyes were wide?
Now pain slowly lifts from my inside
I just barely hear him whisper "I love you" before everything turns black
Im gone from this world, and Im never coming back

I open my eyes and it seems very bright
I feel so different...very, very light
I look down and I see that im flying
So this is what happens after dying!
I swoop back down to see my body being taken
My friend is standing there, hes crying and shaking
My body is taken into the ambulance and it drives away
My friend is crying and crying, but I cant hear what he says
Im finally free from life, but my friend is very sad
I wish he would get better, I begin to feel bad
He cries out "WHY DID THIS HAVE TO BE?!"
Then on the ground; he sinks to his knees
I reach out to comfort, he gasps out in surprise
A ghost is what he sees; I didnt realize
I talk to him for a while, telling him im fine
I told him I was his Guardian Angel, and to take it as a sign
He needed to stop those kids, try to stop the fights
So no other person would need to see these sights
No one else would kill themselves, no others would get hurt
No terrible memories would behind others lurk
I held him one more time, both of us cried as we did
I said "I love you, but now of my body I am rid
Dont worry about me, worry of others
Dont mourn over me, Ive taken cover"
I float gracefully away, I looke back one more time
At the terrible world that I left behind
Then I faced forward to a new beginning
Knowing my friend was fighting against bullying; and winning

I look up and see a figure surrounded by bright light
Jesus comes and takes my hand and I realize
Everything will be all right

Terrace

2006-08-04T00:42:00.000-07:00

Ive been in Terrace for 4 agonizing days now. Well, not totally agonizing. Really fun at some points, but always with my grandpas death lying over it all.
The entire trip up here, I could not talk. I said about 5 sentences in a 16 hour drive. I have not cried since the day my mom phoned me and said that my Opa had passed away, where I cried about 4 or 5 tears.

I have a wierd little thing about not crying in front of people. I just cant do it, it feels so akward. But, I sometimes cry when im alone. And I havent done that yet, over my Opa.

When I went to the funeral, my whole family was crying and crying and crying some more. But I just could not cry! It scared me quite a bit. But I just kept on thinking, hey, Opa is with Jesus now. Ive been waiting forever to say that, but my family I guess, supposes I do not care. That is so unfair! I was the closest of all of his grandchildren to him, besides the one who lived with him...Ellen. But anyways...

We went up to the grave and I sat there about 15 minutes lon ger, grieving over my loss. But without crying. It almost seems like I cant cry here, in Terrace. I do not know why though.

But, up here, Ive had a lot of alone time with Jesus, particularly the day of and the day after the funeral. It has increased my faith, as well as when I got an email from someone which Jesus talked to me in. Also, Ive been praying for all of you, my youth leaders

Aaron
Andy
Becs
Beracah
Jacynta
Krystal
Linsey
Nicole

as well as my fellow teens in Teen Cell

Aysha
Britanny
Chris
Crystal
Domi
Gabe
Hannah
Leah
Logan
Paul
Satisha

I do not know why, but I have a very strange feeling something big is going to happen. I dont know if it is good or bad(I have a feeling its relatively good, with some bad points sticking out to make it great), but just big. Something to do with Teen Cell. And ive been thinking a lot about a particular leader, and I dont know why, but I sent him an email. Please pray for my Teen Cell. And, if you can, pray for me as well. But id like you to pray first for my teen cell, because without them, there is no me.

PS. I read Psalm 23, Nicole. Great verse. Thanks, it helped me out a lot. In fact Ive been searching in my aunts Bible for a verse, and I think that was the one.

More tests..

2006-07-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

Life is strange. One day is full of joy, the next is a huge test.

Yesterday, I spent a carefree day at the beach, a perfect day with no worries besides a sunburn. It was quite fun. I went with Britanny and Logan, and we stayed to watch the fireworks.

Today, I was hit with some tests. My friends are all fighting today, and I am yet again playing peacemaker. It totally drained me. I dont know if I can continue keeping everyone together in our group, so I guess I'll just pray for the best, whatever God thinks the best is.

Also, I ran into someone I did not particularly want to see today. An old friend, but we had, lets say, gone our seperate ways. I saw him on the bus, and nearly broke down. I love him so much, but he doesnt seem to get that. Hes only worried about himself. So all I can do there is also, pray for him. I hope he has a good life, because I guess he doesnt want me in it, and all I want is him to be happy...

And, after getting home, I heard the terrible news.

My grandpa had a stroke.
He has only 44% of his kidneys working.
He has a 20% chance to live.

If you know how it is to lose a loved one, you know exactly how I feel.
If you dont, you have no idea whatsoever.

Saying my grandpa and I were close is a total understatement.But, ever since we moved up here, I havent had much contact with him. This kills me inside, thinking of all the things I want to say, and telling him I love him. It is nearly impossible for me to ever do this again. Im never going to get the chance to hug him ever again, or tell him I love him. Ever. Unless I magically get 1200 dollars to go to see him, I have one in a million chance of seeing him ever again.

Okay, I lost my train of thought there becuase I was crying. I guess that if God thinks it is his time to leave this world for something better, then it is time. God puts us through tests, but he also, at the same time, makes us stronger. I love my grandpa, but I can trust God to keep him safe.

pray for someone

2006-07-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

At this moment, I am about to go swimming at the Aquatic Center. I signed on to check my email quickly, and instead, I ended up trying to convince a very good friend to quit doing drugs. A lot of people worry about him, but he doesnt seem to get that. He doesnt think anyone cares. There are a lot of people that do, starting with me. Hannah. Dominika. Crystal. Aysha. Etc. A lot of people have been praying for him, but he seems to be getting worse, not better. So, can you please pray for him? All of the people from my Teen Cell should know exactly who im talking about, but I dont want to say his name. It might embarass him, so I wont. If you dont know who Im talking about, email me for the name. He really needs some good, strong prayers right now. And some great friendship. Im trying to give him both.

I love him so much, and I dont want to lose him.

Belief

2006-07-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend today, and he mad he kind of mad. He kept on going on and on about how he didnt believe in God, and how stupid it was that I did. He said that he thought I was different, and I was smart enough not to follow in something blindly, something I could not see. He said I shouldnt believe in something that I had no proof even exsisted. There were so many things I hated about this conversation.

First of all, I think thats its great that I believe in God, and so do a whole bunch of my friends. Its my choice, and I chose to do this, I wasnt forced into it. If YOU dont believe in Him, well, there isnt too much I can do to change that. But can you just let me have my faith, even if you think its pointless?

Next, following in something blindly, or couldnt see? I can see the love of God everywhere I look! I am not following blindly, but in faith of Him. I told him if he thought I should not follow something "invisible", then he should stop living off of air.

One of the things that mad me the most angry was the last I mentioned. That I had no proof that God exsisted, and therefore I should not believe in Him. As I said before, it is MY CHOICE to believe in God, not his, or anyone elses. Faith means "belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence." So, I have faith in God. And you cant do anything about it. So, please stop trying to ruin my faith, worming in and out of my head to try to make me believe God is not real, because I know he is. Even though you cannot see Him, He is always there.

Tests

2006-07-20T22:17:00.000-07:00

When I decided to accept Jesus in my life, I had a feeling of peace take over my whole body. My friends who had first brought me to believe in Him had told me on that night, that things at home would be very different. That there would be a lot of tests, and it would be hard to get through all of these tests, and all of the changes in my life. I took it with a grain of salt, thinking it cant be that different, this is too great of a feeling to wear off.
I was right, but wrong at the same time. It is too great of a feeling to wear off, but everything is different. In a bad way. I realized how totally covered in sin my life is. Not just all of the people around me, but my life itself. There seems to be a couple of new tests every day, and I can admit that I dont get through all of them.
It is also hard to look at some of my friends or family falling deeper and deeper into sin, and not even wanting to pull out. I looke at some of these temptations, and it is very hard to say no. But then I think, what is the point of these, lets say, drugs? Or maybe, swearing? Or money, or whatever your temptation is? Do I really want to throw away my still very able life to these, when I could be living in God's name? Why should I go for these false gods, when there is a real one waiting for me? So, I decline. I pull myself closer to Jesus by pulling myself farther away from these false gods. I try to get my friends to do the same, but most of them say no to me and yes to the others. Still, I keep trying. Eveentually maybe they will realize God is calling out to them. That He has something that these false gods can never give them. Do you know what this is?

His love, and the promise of everlasting life in Heaven. This is an exstasy that some people do not see, or dont want to try, because it is harder to get to than the others. Would you like to expierience it?

Media

2006-07-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

I was having a discussion with one of my friends and I cant get it out of my head. I think I wrote a blog about a related topic earlier, but oh well. It was about the media.

The media is going to kill a lot of people because of their picture-perfect models on nearly every picture and video you look at. All these teenaged girls believe they need to have a perfect body to succeed in life. So, they go through diet pills, not eating properly, drugs to make them skinny, you name it. Some teens end up killing themselves because they think that they arent good enough for anyone.

Would God create you if He didnt love you? Would He bother putting you on this earth if He wanted you to kill yourself? God made you the way you are for a reason. He doesnt want everyone to be the same. He wants every person to be unique, a different person from everyone else. He wants you to live, inside and out. If it feels like no one loves you, He does through it all. Remember that. And just because you dont have a perfect body, that doesnt mean you are too horrible to live. You have a beautiful soul, and thats what counts. Dont let anybody tell you different.

2006-07-12T19:18:00.000-07:00

I miss camp very badly today. Camp, it was so simple. The most bothersome thing you were up against were uncooked potatoes, or assuming someone was mad at you when they werent. Here, there are many more problems. You see people shooting up on the street. Your tempted by people you consider friends to party or do drugs, just for the fun of it. You have your family complaining about every little thing you do wrong, jumping on you for giving a little bit of attitude, whether you gave it or not. Your friends are fighting, you have a lot of stress on your shoulders, boy problems, whatever. It just makes you so mad!
But then, theres always one special thing thats there. One little ray of sunshine in what seems a hopelessly dark and cruel world. What is it? Love.
The love of God. If you feel totally hated, you can just look to your faith in God, and know that He still loves you. Through many tests, many struggles, He is always there. If you can hold onto your faith in Him, you will always pull through. No matter what.

2006-07-08T23:25:00.000-07:00

I went to Camp Sunrise for the past week! Its the most awesome camp that ive ever been to! And now I really miss it.

So, we left for camp on July 2. Crystal and I got a ride with my dad becuase there wasnt going to be enough room in the van that our friend Hannah was catching. But, once we got there. we waited for about half an hour and then phoned her. HAHA! She was catching a later ferry because they hadnt picked her up! So Crystal and I journeyed on alone, with some friends and leaders, to Camp. We signed up and everything, at which point they arrived, and got into our cabin, Collier. Then we met all of our cabin mates, and so on. We ended up having a great week, including mud wrestling, tons of inbetween water fights, random soccer juggling, archery, canoeing, swimming, and egg/flour fights. One of my favourite things was meeting a bunch of new friends, a special guy...and, of course, Andy, Nicole and Beracah! That was one of the highs of my week, all of us being together, Teen Cell united once again! We hung out all week! It was AWESOME!

We also had a bunch of campfires at the end of every Chapel (which ill get to later). They had sing alongs, skits, random interviews, everything! IT WAS SOOO FUN! The final campfire was awesome because all of teen cell sat together and we were the loudest section there was! HA!

So...all of the campers ended up being split up into different coloured teams. I was on the Dark Green team. We didnt do great, but we were an all right team! The teams all had to participate in different activites to get points for their team, which added up to time for the final relay race. It was a lot of fun, and Pink won in the end. Then, after the final campfire, there was a pizza party and dance. The pizza was all right, but the dance was very short. A horribly ironic thing happned that made me very sad. This guy that had supposedly been crushing on me had asked me to dance. A lot in the last dance. We didnt know it was the last dance, so we thought we would wait for the next one. Then it was finished! I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO DANCE! it was terrible and i felt like crying the rest of the night.

On this last night, nearly our whole cabin was wide awake. So our leader, Krystal, took us out to the beach until 5 in the morning! We all had a good time hanging out, partying for the last time we would be together until October.

The next morning, we were all very tired. Still, I packed up very quick and went to hang out with all of my guy friends in front of their cabin after breakfast. I was very sad, because yet again I messed up a chance on this guy that I liked. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! GOSH!

So anyways, we all hung out, got on the ferry, and hung out there too. We got very sad as we neared the terminal, and I finally did something. I hugged him fro like 10 minutes. But I hugged everyone else too. And we were all sad. Long story short, We said goodbye and we wont see weach other until October, some until next summer. Talk about heartbreaking. Im gonna miss you all!

Okay, so I said I would get back to you about Chapel. What a chapel it was. Everyone was united in it all, the singing, the discussions. Everything. On Wednesday evening chapel, there was a call out. To anyone who wanted to accept Jesus in their life, or start over. I bet no one knew I wasnt a Christian on here! But, I had been thinking about this for a couple of months, and here was my chance laid out in front of me. I took it. I was very scared, so scared I was trembling. But, everyone from my Teen Cell, I mean EVERYONE, came up to pray for me. So, there is the big news. I accepted Jesus into my life. And everyone is very proud of me. Im so happy I finally did this thing I've been thinking about forever.

Now I know this blog is all over the place, but Im just writing about whatever Im tihnking about because I still have butterflies from that Wednesday night. Its the best feeling in the world, to have something to trust in. Someone that will never let you down. God is waiting for you to make a decision. I finally made mine. What is your response?

Birthday!

2006-06-27T23:39:00.000-07:00

Today, I yet again went to the beach (yes im starting to write a blog nearly everyday, sorry, its just a good way to get peoples ideas and to get out what I feel). We went until about 2PM, and then I phoned one of my friends whose birthday was today. After wishing her a happy birthday, I asked her if she was doing anything and if we could come see her. She said to go to New Brighton Park at around 430, so most of us planned to go, besides Satisha and Brendan, who couldnt stay out. So we all headed out to the bus and started planning who was going where, because a couple of people had to check in, get swimsuits, etc.

So, two of my friends and I went to one of their houses to check in and make sure their parents knew where they were. The other three told us to meet them at one of their dads houses, so we went up. We knocked on the door, and guess what? They werent there! So, we went down to pretty much the exact place that we started, and found them sitting outside the guys moms house, laying on the grass! And then, after we went all the way back for THEM, after we wasted half an hour looking for them, they decided not to come. They still acted like they were, so we waited, and then one of them said oh, we're not going. Well, one of the friends I originally started out with got really mad, because she was getting sick from being in the sun so long, and she stalked off. She was dating one of the guys that was in the other group, and he didnt even care! No offense, but you know who you are...is he really worth it?
Then she decided to stay and "talk things over". So it ended up being just me and one of my friends, when it was supposed to be 6 other people! Was I ever mad! I mean, you dont just plan to go to someones birthday then ditch at the last minute with no excuse! I was almost mad enough to head home! But then I thought...should I really follow all these peoples examples, and make her feel even worse? Should I give in and just leave like they did, without caring how she felt? I decided not to. I decided to go to the party, not give in like the others did. I really didnt want her to get hurt. I cared about her too much.
So, I found out how different people are. Some people care a lot about what other people think, some people only care about themselves, and some people just want everyone to be happy and fine. Some people care about their friends, some people dont really care. Im not implying this to anyone, thats just what I thought when they ditched. But are you going to let other people boss you around? Are you going to let some people ruin someones day, and then decide to do the exact same thing? Theres no way I was ever going to do that. I wanted to help celebrate this special day that God created one of my best friends in the whole world. I wasnt going to let them totally ruin everything. Would God really want me to do that? Would He want me to help ruin someones day by going along with what everyone else was doing? I think not.

P.S. We had a TERRIFIC time! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRITANNY!

2006-06-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

Today, I've realized just how much I love my friends.
I mean, I always say I love them and all, but I didnt realize how much until today!
I didnt know how much they loved me either! So this is just a little blog to give a persons name and why I love them (I got the idea from the week before last, at Teen Cell)

Dominika- Well what can I say? YOUR TOTALLY GREAT! I just love the way your always there. Your so funny and so pretty and so random and so... I could go on forever and I did say this would be short, so you get the point. I LOVE YOU!

Aysha- Your always around if I need someone to talk to. Your fun and random (although not as random as Dominika) and your one of the most beautiful people I know. You know how to make the right decisions, and you helped me through a lot of stuff a while back. I LOVE YOU!

Nicole- Theres just so many reasons why I love you! Your cool and great and awesome and beautiful and your so fun to be around! I could just sit there and talk to you for hours on end and never get bored. You always have something exciting to say, and your a great listener. I LOVE YOU!

Leah- Your a Lion! well, come on who cant love Leah? You have cool hair, you can spell the letter G, I can share everything with you! I LOVE YOU!

Britanny- Your tiny and small and adorable! I never have a boring time with you, whether we're in Ceramics or at the skate park or just talking in some random corner in the hall. I LOVE YOU!

Satisha- Your totally beautiful and amazing! You have an awesome singing voice, and you have a beautiful personality! I LOVE YOU! DONT EVER FORGET THAT!

Hannah- Your totally awesome! You have such good ideas for when we're at Cell! And you also have a great personality, an awesome mix of cool, goody-good, and random. You know how to have fun! I LOVE YOU!

Linsey- Your totally cool! Your always there if I need to talk to someone, and you always listen before you start giving advice. Your just fun to be around, whether I go babysitting with you, at Teen Cell, or hanging out afterwards!I LOVE YOU!

Beracah- Well, your tiny! You have the most amazing eyes Ive ever seen!(besides Chris) Its just so easy to talk to you, about anything. You have a great personality, and your a MUNCHKIN! I LOVE YOU!

Jacynta- The first time I met you, you dumped a bucket of water on Ayshas head with Andy. Does that give you a clue? Your really youthful, and you know how to have fun. But you also have a lot to say when we're having serious discussions. I LOVE YOU!

Crystal- Your sometimes mean, sometimes nice. You have an awesome sense of humour, and your so effin pretty! You have very random moments, and your always hyper. We have so many inside jokes that make me happy whenever i think about them! I LOVE YOU!

Chris- Theres so much to say! I dont think I'm going to be able to say it all. Your cool, your nice, your effin hilarious, you make me feel happy cuz you hate it when im sad, you always say things that make me happy, I can always talk to you, you do the randomest stuff ever just to make us happier!AND you have the best eyes ever! Your the greatest guy ive ever met, PLEASE dont EVER change! I LOVE YOU!

Aaron- Your really tall! You always have something planned for us at Teen Cell, and I thank you for that. You play a lot of tricks on everyone, but you never do on me! LOL! You always want to make sure everyones all right, and your always right there as soon as you see anyone crying or depressed or anything. I LOVE YOU! thanks for being there for all of us!

Gabe- Your big and scary sometimes, when your mad. I guess its just that totally radical afro, because you end up just being totally awesome!Your really smart when you actually try. You have a really deep voice that I could listen to forever! Your just great, plain and simple. I LOVE YOU!

Andy- Well, where to begin?! You have an accent. I mean, who CANT love that accent? And your sooooo funny and sarcastic! You have an obsession with midgets. COME ON! THATS AWESOME! I love your facial expressions, and the way you always have something to talk about, and especially the way I always have fun whenever im with you. I LOVE YOU!

Tony- Well, you have awesome hair! We were best friends for like how long? 3 or 4 years? You've changed so much over all that. But no matter what I still love you. A LOT! I LOVE YOU!

Rhys- Your a midget! Your funny! You have the best confuzzled expression ever! You know how to have fun, even if it is all you do. I LOVE YOU!

Carlos- YOUR TOTALLY AWESOME! your just awesome, just because. Everything you do reeks of awesomeness. Your totally huggable too :D. I WUV YOU!

Lukas- Your tall and huggable and it seems like you understand everything. You always know what to say in akward moments, and how to make everyone get along. I LOVE YOU!

Chris B- Your just so easy to get along with. Your always there when I just need someone to hug me and tell me everything will be all right. You come up, no matter where you are, whenever I need you. You dont even need to talk about it. I just say that im sad and BOOM! your right there, amking sure im all right. I LOVE YOU!

Jordan- You have a really good sense of style. I feel like I can just sit with you in silence for hours and it would never be akward because I love you so much. Your so gentle and caring, which is really hard to find in a guy. Your usually quiet, because you always say things that are worth remembering. I LOVE YOU!

Okay, come on. You have to RECIEVE THAT!

Interesting days

2006-06-22T01:04:00.000-07:00

Well,the last couple of days were quite interesting. I couldn't wait to get on the computer to talk about it.

First of all, yesterday, June 21st, 7:54 AM, my sister Sarah brought one of God's miracles into the world! Her name is Angelique Theresa Nonadu. She wieghed in at 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 20 inches long. I was, unfortunately, in bed with some kind of food poisoning from the hospital meatloaf. No joke. I totally rejoiced over this new found girl that we were expecting over 9 months!!!!

When my sister brought her home, not even 12 hours old (the hospital was extremely busy bringing bundles of joy into the world, living proof that God still wants us all to see we have a chance, whether it be in an old, wizened body, or a brand new, young body) the first thing she did was hand her over to me. I looked down into my niece's beautiful little face, and I realized that no matter what happened, no matter how hard anything seemed, that I was going to fight for her life, or for my own, to be there for her. This baby was sent by God to show me that some things are worth fighting or even, to some extent, dying for. I am forever thankful to Him for sending me down a beautiful, innocent little niece.

After this joyful, beautiful, awesome day, I went to an Aboriginal Day celebration, just to check things out (Yes, I am half Aboriginal, and proud of it!). I went down without my Mom and her friend Aleck, because I decided to go after they left, because I was still feeling sick. As I boarded the bus, I saw a drug-induced teenager standing by the rear doors. She was rambling on and on about how she was going to a big party with heroin, pot, mushrooms, alcohol, and exstasy as the main attraction. I immediately thoughtabout how disgusting that this woman was, how much of a druggie, and how she would end up being dead in a park in a few years. But then, I thought about how close I got to this road. I mean, how many times had I been offered getting into this hell, how many times had I been tempted to accept, how many times had I wanted to kill all the pain with a little pot or even E. I realized that this woman shouldn't be shunned because she took a road that i decided not to. I realized that she probably didnt have terrific friends like mine (Nicole, Andy, Beracah, Leah, Hannah, Dominika, Aaron, Linsey, Jycynta), nor did she realize that God still cared for her, that He still wanted her to lead a great life, get through the temptations of the drugs, find a way to quit and get back to reality.

Even as I was thinking this, because those words "get back to reality" literally ran through my head, I came to a terrifying realization; this WAS some people's reality. Some people couldn't get back to MY reality, because they were too obsessed with their own. I decided to go home as soon as I saw this, because it got me thinking, and I usually write when I think about serious things.

I also realized, at this time, that God always wants us on the right road of life. As I thought about this world, how our reality intertwined with drugs, guns, and overall danger, I thought that I would die before I saw one of my friends turn this way. I'd do anything to stop them from doing something like this. I decided that, in any case, I would try my best to keep these people I love, whether Im close to them or not, away from this dreadful reality. I'd try my best to keep them alive and well, and hopefully to convince them that God loved them enough to keep them alive, and not to ruin their lives through drugs or gangs, or greed or hatred.

As I was going through my old poems, I saw one that I wrote a couple of weeks ago, on a very similar scenario. I don't really know if its that great, but I'd like you to read it and tell me what you think.

Drugs

As she tries not to cry, tears fill her eyes,
She thinks of all the lies, she stares at the rainy sky,
She wants to die, she wants to end it,
She doesnt wanna bother with it, she decides to take a hit,

Her mind goes blurry, she feels happy,
Shes in a hurry, to take more drugs.
She tries shooting up, people think shes a slut,
She'll do anything to get the drug, it makes her forget all his kisses and hugs,

Her friends all leave, except one loyal person,
This friend tries to stop her, she is hurtin,
To see such a mind, go to waste,
All because of a heartbreak case,

She cant take the pain, it has left a stain,
She cant stand life without them,
As her friends all predicted,
She is addicted,

She'd kill to get her pills, but one day she turns still,
She overdosed on cocaine,
Another person slain,
A victim of pain.

Such is the world of drugs.

The best surprise in the world

2006-06-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

Allrighty...
So, on Friday, Nicole came up for her birthday!
We all expected it to be just Nicole, because Andy and Beracah said they were too busy to come up.

Dominika, Leah, and I went to Teen Cell from the skate park and got there earlier than the others. When we walked in, we saw Nicole sitting on the couch. She was talking on the phone and told her friend "Well, I should go now. 3 of my favourite girls from Teen Cell just walked in, so there might be a lot of screaming." We all just sat there in the shock of seeing Nicoles beautiful face once again. Then we all hugged her and sat down and talked.

Then, after we were there for about 15 minutes, after we were assured for the past month that it wasnt going to happen, after agonizing over these assurances, after tears and anger and strife; Andy Mac walked in the door. This was one of the best surprises ive ever had! He looked kind of surprised we were there already, because he was planning to hide and scare us later. We all sat together once again, after a WHOLE MONTH of life without Nicole and Andy. They said that Beracah was still in Victoria, but i didn't believe them. It fooled Dominika though.

After we foiled Andys attempt to hide and surprise us all, he decided that surprising Crystal and the rest of the crew would be good enough. After a false alarm in which someone irrelevant walked in the front door, Andy went to stand by the pool table. He was going to bolt into the bathroom once they walked in. However, he didnt hear the door open and was then tackled by Crystal as soon as she saw him.

We all sat together, Teen Cell almost reunited...we thought of how fun it would be, talked about everything that had happened in the past month. Then, came another surprise. Beracah walked in the door with Jycynta. We ALL WENT NUTS! THIS WAS THE MOST AWESOME SURPRISE IN THE WORLD! Not only did Nicole come for her birthday, but Andy and Beracah had planned to come up all along! We had a terrific day together; we played Capture the Flag then sat around and gave one reason why we loved each person at Teen Cell. I had plenty of reasons for every person. They are all a special part of my life that no one else would be able to fill.

Its funny how God works. One day, you could be so depressed and stressed out and wondering if anything is worth it. The next could be a joyful day full of surprises. God wants us to be happy. He sends His love in many different ways, and this was one of them. I guess the best surprise was that He did love us all along. No matter how much we doubt it, He will always be there